Yes, I encourage everyone to ride the horny train ... let me explain. Or, this could also be titled, "Why didn't they let us in the club??" We got soooo lost ... but we were "The Sexy Seven!" on a horny mission.

This is the story of seven people from different countries, who met under dubious circumstances, and rode the train all night. The Horny Train! The (un)usual suspects were, The Big Englishman (so horny), the Tokyo 2 (really horny!) and the Quiet Brazilian (silent but also quite horny) the Shy Catholic (most horny of all!) and her friend (bi-sexual and horny towards both sides) and Yours Truly, Todd (ALWAYS horny). Where should I begin? Well ... it all took place in the magical city of Berlin. Anything goes in this town! So off we went to find this club, that the Tokyo 2 absolutely wanted to find, at all costs. Did we find it? Stayed tuned and I'll tell y'all. The first directions to the club that we got were ALL WRONG. They said, "Yeah - go to Warschauer Strasse. OK, we zipped over there, under a 4 AM beer disguise (no tickets!) underground on the underground! And someone said they were horny, and then the mad danse began. Suddenly we realized 2 things: #1. The club was not there, and we had to ride the train again. And ... #2. We were all horny! Hence, the "Horny Train." And I tell ya, we weren't the only horny ones on that (now 5 am) train! We asked another guy where the club was, and he (purposely) gave us more wrong directions. Bastard! He said, "Oh sure ... I know that club. I work the door there (he lied) sometimes. It's at the famous Alexanderplatz, under the Socialist-Watch World Revolution Clock, in an old Stasi building." Wow! we said, believing his anti-west lies. Of we went on the (next) Horny Train in that direction. It was way off! When we arrived at the exact point he'd led us to, there was nothing there but old ghosts. We asked the next punk rocker where the club was, and he laughed. "It's not here, at all!" he exclaimed, "It's over near the Ostbahnhof (old East Berlin train station)." Fuck! Now we'd heard 3 different stories. The Tokyo Two were clearly frustrated. It was nearly 6 am, and we still hadn't found the club yet. OK, think clearly - what do we do? Drink abeer at the train station, of course! I guess we really made that hot dog stand guy's night when we walked in, a group of seven, 007 actually, on a horny mission ... and ordered seven beers at 6 am! The Sexy Seven, being open minded party people, tried three different types of beer: Berliner, Jever, and Flensburger (my personal favourite). Through all of this, the Shy Catholic girl was getting more and more horny. It was obvious, it was visible. She was (not so) secretly dripping with lust for one of the Japanese guys. Don't tell her mama! Her chosen lover started picking up her sexy vibe. He mumbled something about "being so horny" in Japanese. She smiled a shy Catholic smile back, her friend who is the cutest (and horniest) Bi-sexual Princess in Pisa was busy watching other girls, the Big Englishman was polite (and horny), the Small Brazilian didn't understand a word, but laughed along, the Tokyo 2 were chatting back and forth in secret jargon, and I was giggling proficiently and enjoying my Flens. The double scoop of fun (the Italian 2) started saying that they hate it when people talk about Italians and the mafia in the same breath. That's not sexy! Then suddenly, three Asian girls walked in and started flirting, and we all hoped that this was NOT the dreaded Sushi Mafia! Cuz, ya know, under the rules of stereotypes and cliches, Americans are stupid, Catholics always are repressed until they (sexually) explode, and Asian girls always represent the Sushi Mafia! (Not a sexual term ...) Then we got back on the Horny Train, the same one we'd just been on, going the other direction. The Shy Catholic started asking the Pisa Princess (in Italian) if she SHOULD do this? Would it be morally right? What will you think? I'm not that type of girl, etc. To which the second guy from the Tokyo Two replied to the Pisa Princess, "Hey - my friend is a GOOD FUCKER!" We all just animals, basically. That says it all, and she was about to find out! When we finally DID find the club, it was after 6 am. The club was pumping, but they didn't let us in! Why? We may never know. I thought it was because I had a backpack (standard Friday nite fare), the Big Englishman thought (THEY thought) he was too old, the Shy Catholic thought (THEY thought) she was too young, The Pisa Princess thought the doormen were racist, the Quiet Brazilian didn't really understand what was going on, and the Tokyo 2 were just relieved to find the club! The Big Englishman asked in his best English for an explanation as to why they weren't letting us in. He was so polite. It was touching. He was a real gentleman (talking to some real thugs). It was really sweet how he tried to gentle-coax those burly bar room dummies into letting us in. They barred their teeth and barred us, to. Dunno why. He said, "This would never happen in the UK." Exactly. Got on the underground, and we were ALL TOO SEXY for that train! So off we went again, this time back to the hotel where we'd all met (or so I thought). Let's go back there I said to the sexy Japanese guy, who was most certainly about to score. No, no he said. Why not? I asked - the bar is still open. "I can't," he retorted, "I can't walk in there with this Italian girl, cuz I had sex with the receptionist last night!!!" Oh, man, that is scorchin' fuckin' hot! So we couldn't go back, and we had the choice of going to the park (now 7 am!) or heading off to a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend's flat. Which we did, and the Shy One had mad passionate dirty sex with One of the Tokyo 2 (while we watched) and the Princess from Pisa laid on the floor, soaked in vodka and yelling, "I am soooo horny!" and I say that vodka at the END of a long night is ALWAYS a killer, and I ended up at 9:30 in the mourn riding my bike across town with a smile and a laugh and COMPLETELY zonked outta my mind, and all I can say is that I'd do it all again and we MUST MEET AGAIN, and one or two of said accomplises have already told me that that was the greatest night of their lives, and I say to this, "Yeahhhhh ..." Live, Love, Prosper ... and be Horny. Always. Peace, -Todd